I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS

Hello all! I have returned after a long absence to let you know about my life and also because like every other white person, I feel that my life is important and that for some reason others will want to read about it. This is probably completely false, but I'm feeling self-indulgent right now. So here goes, for me, and for Gabs, Kali, Liz, Haleigh and that random guy who likes to criticize me. I want to know what you do with your life by the way, read 19 year olds blogs (which are rather lengthy I might add) and talk to yourself about how stupid they are? Do you go jack off after that? Maybe play WOW? I can't imagine how you've been holding up without my postings. Hopefully you've found another useless hobby like twitter or something..but I digress-

My life. Now.

Reasons To Be Happy

1. Cinnabon scented candles

2. Feather pens

3. Catching up with old friends

4. And making new ones

So where do I begin? My last post was around last New Years...so we'll do a quick recap. I manage a shoe store for about 36 hours out of the week, I'm in training right now at a coffee stand so I can work even more and I still do shows. Right now I'm in a production of Peter Pan in Tacoma. I live by myself in a studio apartment downtown. It's actually a renovated old hotel and it's as charming as they come. The whole building always smells like pot, but I don't mind-I love the tenants and I love my landlord. Where a normal human being would place a TV I put racks of clothing and shelves of shoes...because I'm psychotic and find looking at those things entertaining. I go back to school next quarter because they fucked up my scholarship and it makes me really angry...so I don't ever talk about it. I will only be in Olympia until my lease is up in June. Then I move away-still don't know where yet. Anywhere but here. I had surgery on my nose because I couldn't breathe out of one side. My mom finally went back to rehab...but it didn't do much. I directed a kids show with 20 7 year olds. I can say the words "the usual" in at least 4 different restaurants and they will know what to bring me. I still believe that every person around me is worth getting to know. I've been meeting what seems to be a million new and interesting people and it's fantastic. I weirdly made-out with an old friend earlier this year and I usually just pretend it didn't happen because it's awkward. I've dated one guy since Isaiah, it was all too recent and it was an awful experience that I wish I hadn't had. I'm jaded as hell and I don't plan on dating till I'm at least 50.

Word of dating advice: Always google him. It's sounds retarded and I've never been the girl who snoops around but thank god my friend is that kind or else I never would've known about a certain someone's twitter account. How do you live with the fact that you "tweet" shit? That's too gay for me to say and I'm a girl. I'm pretty sure that you don't have any balls...actually I'm completely sure considering the fact that you broke everything off in a text message. More details on this clusterfuck of a relationship later. In the meantime I'll talk about today. Today Andra and I went to the pumpkin patch, I went to work dressed as an eggplant, and then I went to a party dressed as a lion with a giant headdress. All in all a pretty rad day. I enjoyed it.

Never been happier:)

And I'm not even being sarcastic...it's a good thing I dodged that crazy bullet early. And it's a good thing that I'm back to bloggin'.

I'm back motherfuckers...and that is a reason to be happy if I've ever heard one.

We Make The Hipsters Fall In Love

Reasons To Be Happy #41

1. Bad Lifetime movie acting

2. Making lists

3. Gay marriage

4. The city

5. Kittens

6. Smiling

7. Donuts

8. Microfiber blankets

9. Reminiscing

10. Drunk pop stars

Right now I am watching a lovely little Lifetime Movie (check out that alliteration) that I think is called Contained. So far it seems to be a little gem all about a woman who has been fired from her architecture job for being "super stressed out" and relocated to the suburbs, where she meets her crazy next door neighbors who kidnap people and keep them in their basement..The acting of course is remarkably terrible as is the story itself. This woman literally bre

aks into the creepy neighbors house about 10 times...she is just searching for shenanigans! Anyhow! Work has calmed down A LOT lately, so my hours are beginning to suck again. I'm looking for another job, preferably one that will bring in some tips. I've been working on the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (when I'm not petting kittens, reading, and watching the food network of course) and it has been wonderful! But difficult...much of the show is done interacting with audience volunteers..like manhandling them into dancing and whatnot and it's HARD! I was not offbook today-and I was supposed to be. I really don't have an excuse except the fact that I can't spell so I needed to read the spellings...yikes. We are doing this whole marketing thing where Chuck releases 3 teaser videos from rehearsal a week...and he filmed today. I look so confused and stupid in every shot I'm sure...that's going to be royally embarrassing when it goes viral. Cupcake Wars is now on and it is so amazing. Avocado frosting? I wish that I could be that creative. Speaking of food! I decided that I was going to try and change my diet in order to get rid of my eczema ( just because all I do is drink coffee and redbull all day and I doubt that's nutritious) So I did some research and I am not supposed to eating any dairy at all, or processed soy products, no yeast products, no meat (save for fish, fatty acids)...this is going to be difficult...I mean just to partially cut out any of those things is going to be a big big challenge. I LOVE bread. My diet is basically supposed to follow the same guidelines as the products I put on my skin do: Minimal ingredients, nothing processed...I'm not even going to try and start until after I go grocery shopping though. That would not be

possible. I'm also supposed to eat a lot of veggies everyday and I hateeeeeeee vegetables. Oh and no coffee...but we all know that's not happening. Not even an option. I will cut out all food before I will cut out my starbucks. And that folks is reason number 8753453 that I will never reproduce:) So...new subject..haha:) I was listening to that Michael Buble song, Just Haven't Met You Yet, and I just became so happy! I wasted so much time thinking about the past...my breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. If it weren't for my breakup I would not be the person I am today. Now when I think about the past I realize that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, imagine how wonderful it's going to be when I meet the right one. Today Andra and I drove to Seatac and dropped off her mom...then we got Krispy Kremes. I'm a fatass. I think Eddie and I are going to head to Bellingham (or "Bham" as all of the hip kids call it...) on wednesday to see our Emily and Tia. Troy talked to me about being in Fame later this year...busy busy year for theatre! I'm stoked. Seriously there are times that I contemplate becoming a stripper to pay for college. I would literally do anything to go to school...which is why I'm looking for a third job. Alright, time for another lifetime movie and some line-drilling. Also som

e split-drilling...I'm so close!!!! The night before Rachel, Andra, and I watched The Pregnancy Pact...which was by far the best overacting I've ever seen...full of creepy girls telling their boyfriends "We are going to be so happy. We are in love. We're having a baby." Hopefully I can find a movie equally as epic now...highly doubtful. Anyhow love love love! I'm going to start blogging regularly again.

Oh PS...I can't get enough Ke$ha...she's exactly how I like my pop stars...drunk. And GaGa is coming out with a new album soon. Born this way baby! She of course is an icon. Church nails for Mama Monster!

Haven't been dreaming as much lately...but we'll get back to interpreting soon I'm sure:)

Oh and I forgot to mention my New Years! So really super fast I'll say that it kicked ass! Eddie and I went to Seattle last minute and watched the Space Needle fireworks...we also saw 24 people get pulled over, a drug bust, and a group of guys just passing around a joint directly in front of us...oh and a very very drunk woman bumping Rihanna and touching herself...pretty sure she was arrested shortly after, if she didn't pass out first. It took over an hour to get back to the freeway but it was totally worth it. Rocked my sequin dress and ripped fishnets with redbull in hand...can' get much better than that:)

"If you don't have any shadows you're not in the light"

Night Bloggy:)

We've Got Our Love To Pay The Bills

Reasons To Be Happy #40

1. Clear sky

2. Chapstick

3. Faux fur

4. Movies that make you think

5. Bows

6. Laughing

7. Being okay

Once again....I didn't blog for about a century, and absolutely no one noticed! :) The month of December was memorable. Little Women closing night was wonderful, although we all cried during the show, especially Christie...and I had to go straight to work after strike. I've been working non-stop this whole week! I feel like a true shoe-connoisseur. Christmas didn't really feel like a holiday this year, mostly because I was house-sitting in Rochester alone-which I really enjoyed. I really like being alone, it's peaceful. I think that's mainly what I miss about Isaiah, he was the one person that I could always stand being around instead of being alone. I don't have someone like that anymore-which is disappointing but also, kind of relieving. Speaking of Isaiah, I got coffee with him and talked to him on the phone or about 3 hours..most people would say that this was indeed a terrible terrible idea. But he isn't someone that I can stay mad at, and even if he's caused me a lot of grief these past few months, I owed him some apologies. And if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be changed now-and I really like the new me! Anyhow, it was good to see him. Haleigh visited me at work the other day and it was AMAZING to see her! I can't wait for us to hangout! But back to Christmas-I got so distracted- My parents got me bedding! Finally! and shoes and redbull...so overall it was quite a success. Lately I've been spending my days practicing the splits and selling shoes while I spend my nights among friends, playing taboo and exchanging gifts. It's good to be back. It's good to be happy.

More blogging later, I promise this time.

Vogue has an article about Black Swan and Natalie Portman (which was so brilliant...so so brilliant) and it says "She keeps you with her as she transgresses taboos, and makes you participate, for a few thrilling moments when Nina becomes the swan, in the kind of transcendent self-loss that only artists know."

Gorgeous.

"I just want to be perfect."

I Heard That Your Dreams Came True

Reasons To Be Happy #39

1. Purring

2. Audrey Hepburn

3. Mashed potatoes

4. Musicals

5. Sushi

6. Knitting

7. Natural beauty

8. Trying new things

9. Origami

10. Sleeping

Oh dear god... so so much has happened since I last blogged...which sounds ridiculous right?! As if anyone reads my blog...anyhow, first and foremost my new little babies! Rafiki and Figaro are my new month old kittens and anyone who knows anything about me can already tell you-based on that information alone that I am obsessed with them. We are currently sitting in a "kitty fort" that I crafted which consists of blankets (aka...tent), a lamp, a computer, and kitty toys...and they are actually tearing the shit out of my pretty tights...but they are so cute! How could I even stay mad?! They also knocked over my mini pink christmas tree and took all of the ornaments off...which I was kind of sad about considering the fact that I spent a ridiculous amount of time decorating it. Plus it was like this weird thing where I was actually in bed at about 3 AM and I thought "I can't sleep....I'll decorate my mini tree!" and I got up and went full out...cleaned my room too. It's about 4 AM right now and I just got home from Harrison and Carolyn's house, where we played a series of interesting games such as a strange Korean game where if you show your teeth you get beaten with pillows, Mafia, and the human knot. I also got my hair cut today and had to walk six blocks in the rain to get to the appointment because apparently the entire world needed to be downtown at 3 PM also and parking was scarce to say the least. But it gave me the perfect opportunity to showcase my umbrella:) A couple weeks ago we had a sister outing where we all had dinner at Christie's and gossiped about our lives. My birthday was on the 1st and it was wonderful! I received so many birthday wishes and my heart was just so full! I didn't really do anything that spectacular, I bought a pair of shoes and some sushi so it was mostly like any other day:) But the shoes were 50% off with my discount! I dragged poor Andra around with me the whole time, she was so sick, but she was a lovely friend and went to Koibito with me and bought me a beautiful book all about... wait for it...Mama Monster! The one and only love of my life:) I seriously almost cried. She also paid for my coffee at starbucks, where this guy behind the counter was seriously getting his flirt on until I realized that I knew him from Kids At Play! When I told him his reaction had undertones of "whoaaa, you've blossomed since you were 9 years old." Kind of gratifying since he used to hate me as a small child and then hit on me as a young adult! Carolyn made me cupcakes and brought them to the theatre and Stephen bought me this amazing fancy coffee cake, they even put a candle in it:) I was so truly touched by all of it, that I actually went to the bathroom and cried, good tears of course:) My grandma let me order a coat offline as my gift and my mom paid my vet bills and half of my phone bill-so I'm content with that! I got the Droid 2 and I hardly understand it, one day I'll figure out how to at least change my ringtone to something that isn't a creepy robot voice saying "Droid" over and over again-which has to be one of the most embarrassing noises to be coming from my purse in target. Oh the little babies have fallen asleep in my lap! Precious:) Over the mini Thanksgiving break that we had I managed to kind of get together with some friends, I saw Kali once and she came and saw Little Women, I saw Tia a couple times, I saw Gabs, and I stopped in at the bowling alley after a show and saw Rachel and Hills for a little while. I've made plans with a lot of people for over the break though. I talked to Evan Hindman yesterday and we made definite plans for coffee, I'm going to go see little Clarke in A Christmas Story (PS: Right now he's recording the original cast album!!!!!), Leland and I are going to go see the baristas in slutty costumes to see if the coffee is actually good, and I pick Eddie up from the airport on wednesday and then we leave in the morning for Bellingham to get Tia:) Opening night for Little Women went wonderfully and the show has been great. We've gotten two rave reviews and I think that we're doing quite well! I always feel weird when a director has to leave before the show is over, but he's truly there in spirit:) There's been a couple malfunctions such as Carolyn's nappy updo wig and my top busting open during my song, and noticeably too. I have about 7 costumes I think, which doesn't seem like that many anymore but really it is. Last sunday we had two shows and a cabaret, which went so well, but I was literally so done afterwards that I said "fuck it." and go so wasted. I stayed at Christie's and threw up all the next day (that's what I get for drinking wine). My mom thought that it was hilarious-I however did not because I had to go perform in like an hour and was desperately just trying to keep SOMETHING down. Luckily I got ahold of Liz, hangover extraordinaire, who knew exactly what to do and I did not vomit onstage, thank god. Kittens biting my elbows right now...and possibly climbing my hair..off topic. Anyhow, I haven't gotten any hours at work. There was over 900 dollars worth of returns in one day so the store seriously ate it and they cut my shifts for the next week. I love working there but in all honestly they are probably going to fire me because...I signed on to do another show! Yesterday I was offered the part of Marcy Parks in Spelling Bee, they couldn't find an asian and I was apparently the next best thing. But I'm actually really excited, Steph is in it and Patrick, and Harrison. I'm thumbing through the script right now...I just hope that I'm good. Anyhow I'm sure that I have more to write but I seriously have to go because I have a matinee tomorrow and it's 5 AM.

Piece of mind: December is probably going to be a difficult month for me, but it will still be wonderful:) Being positive is the key, and really I'm so proud of myself because I don't hold grudges anymore and I think that's a big step towards becoming a better Bailey!

"There is no one like me, and there never was."

It's going to be okay.

I'm A Pretty Impossible Lady To Be With

Reasons To Be Happy #38

1. Humphry, my stuffed camel

2. Kittens

3. Sitting by the fire

4. Gloves

5. Winona Ryder

6. Calendars

7. Lingering cigarette smoke

8. Laughing uncontrollably

9. Painting

10. Orange juice

Oh my, today has been quite a good day! But right now I'm afraid that I'm lying in bed with a dreadful migraine-I vomited about an hour ago. My nose is also very very swollen but I don't really feel up to venturing to the car in the dead of night...and in the pouring rain to fetch my medicine. Well all of that aside, today went quite well! I woke up and got ready to head to voice lessons and to take care of my bounced check...and got some coffee on the way. I didn't end up having a voice lesson because the power was still out when I arrived there, but I stayed to talk with Steven for awhile and it came back on! My check was taken care of and I went home to practice a bit before rehearsal and to do the dishes. I ended up doing both of those things and talking to Rachel via skype for about 30 minutes and I talked to Danny on the phone for about an hour. Then I went and filled up my gas tank and headed downtown. I parked by CP but walked to Starbucks, and when I got there I started having a conversation with the employees while rummaging through my purse for the credit card. They asked if I wanted my usual and I said..."Hmmm I don't know...no..." and then I heard a mocking voice go "nooo." and I looked up to find my Patrick working behind the counter!!! I was seriously so excited that I screamed and then ran behind the counter to hug him. He made me two coffees free of charge and we talked of the new Very Mary Kate episodes. Then he decorated our cups with "I love you"s and whatnot:) I miss that boy! I brought Danny his coffee and went to a very productive runthrough! I feel better about this show everyday. Although I did watch the movie tonight (Oh my god...Winona Ryder just breaks my heart) and it was beautiful! It isn't the book, but so much is how I pictured it. I cried through the whole thing. It was so touching. After rehearsal, during notes session to be exact, someone that I will not mention the name of said something ridiculous and Danny and I both just started laughing so hard. But it was really inappropriate to be laughing at-so we were both trying to hide it and Danny actually got up and left the room because we could nottt stop laughing.

Definition: Very Mary Kate- The most fantastic youtube series ever. Starting a whole new set of slang words such as "funzies" and "favesies."

Piece of mind: Today when Marmee sang her ballad about Beth's death, Carolyn and I cried so much. This show has not been very easy for me and I think it's honestly just because I don't have sisters. So for this whole time I've been thinking-well i don't know what that's like...but I had this great moment today where I looked at a picture of all of my dear K8 friends and I laughing at a cafe in France. They are my sisters. I mean Capital Playhouse raised us all together and I've always considered them family. We save each other, stick up for one another, we make beautiful harmony, we quarrel recklessly...but we make up. We have get togethers but it isn't the same unless everyone's there. I love them all:) And I think that remembering how that feels is going to make being a March sister so much easier.

"Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong."

I have been singing that lyric for years without listening to what it was saying.

Goodnight:)

What Is It About You That Has Commandeered My Brain?

Reasons To Be Happy #37

1. Noodles

2. String cheese

3. Power Outages

4. Umbrellas

5. Ornate picture frames

6. Grocery lists

7. Laughing babies

8. Finding new ways to disguise the taste (and sometimes texture) of vegetables.

9. Liberation

WAIT WHAT!? 37 Lists of things that make me happy?! When we get to magical number 50 I'm going to need to go back and do a recap of my hectic life and just revel in how much it's changed in so little time:) I haven't been blogging lately-for various reasons. Mostly because I've been caught up in being kind of-unhappy. A bad habit of mine. So of course-after a mini meltdown, that consisted of me singing Come To Your Senses over and over again (my voice song as of two lessons ago) until finally I just laid on the studio floor with tears streaming down my cheeks and stared at the ceiling, questioning every decision I had ever made( so overdramatic...I know). Well, after all of that, I got in my car and drove to Danny's. We watched the football game-which was actually a HORRIBLE game for the Steelers, and I went home feeling a little better-but still rather defeated. And then I looked into the mirror, and I thought about something that Danny had told me. "If you think that, it will come true." he said. And he was so right. It's okay to be sad-I mean I have to be right? How else would I become good at acting if I didn't understand sadness? But strength...that's me. I have a very potent personality. I don't care about conflict-if that's what it takes. I don't beat around the bush-blunt might as well be my middle name. And I always stick up for what I believe in. The only person who knows me and thinks that I'm weak-is myself. But it's just not true. More than I am sad-I am strong. And that's just something that I have to remind myself of everyday, even if it takes a thousand sticky notes strewn about my life with motivational sayings.

All of what I just said was just explaining why I wasn't blogging/doing anything worthwhile-sort of:)

Things that have happened lately: I GOT A JOB!!!! I was hired on the spot at my Aldo interview and I am more than happy! A european shoe store that I LOVE, with kind coworkers and a seriously kick ass discount. I went to my first day of training and I really do think that it's going to be a good fit. Bring it crazy holiday season-I will vanquish you. What else what else?! Well I bought a couple pairs of pants-which I never do, so thats kind of alarming. Little Women is going quite well and I think that the show will be quite charming. I tried on all of my costumes (There's seriously like 8) and I AM IN LOVE! Between my cute little girl dress, and my beaded wedding dress, and my...get ready...my BUSTLE!!! Oh my god I am obsessed with that bustle. I will now require a bustle for every show that I'm in. Not really (I typed this because it's kind of hard for me to convey sarcasm/humor like that(?) over the internet) Anyways I fucking love the bustle. Tonight during the wind storm...and rehearsal the power went out and Bruce and I definitely saw a ghost and I thought I was going to pee myself. It was TERRIFYING. Then I went and had some apples and caramel with Andra and we chatted about silly things and then I left and a giant branch fell on my car while I was driving. Scared the shit out of me. I actually pulled off the road for a second, I was so shaky. I got a new bed-it's giant and both the cat's sleep with me now. I've yet to get bedding though-so that's next on the list...besides orange juice and deli turkey of course. I also watched this really cute video of a kitten riding a turtle and I can't get over it. Little Clarke has made it to the Fifth Ave Theatre in Seattle! He's collaborating with Pasek and Paul and I am so jealous!!! Danny, Eddie and I are going to see him in the show and I seriously cannot wait! He just did a preview of his favorite song on TV and I am so proud:) I'm just beaming at the computer. I'm so glad that my room is finally back to being clean...it was scary here for a while. And I talked to Haleigh today:) THANK GOD. I miss her and I talked to Em too and Eddie...and Kali comes back so soon and the Harry Potter premiere. So many glorious things to look forward to. Oh! and today I went to my starbucks with Carolyn and they had closed but the boy working brought me out my usual (2, one for Carolyn too!) and then gave it to me free of charge. It was so sweet:)

Definition: Talking to yourself- completely socially acceptable.

Piece of mind: God didn't I already say so much in this post?! I guess what I can leave with is that this new show, new director, new responsibility, new job-all of it, is just so great. I'm very proud of myself. I'm going to go amazing places. To europe, even just to a new town. I'm going to learn a new language. I'm going to learn to sew, to refine my artist abilities. I'm going to taste fantastic wine and delicious food, and I will meet the most wonderful people. I will have friends from all over. I can't wait to meet them. Sometimes I think that I romanticize my tale. But honestly-I don't care if I do. I've never thought that my life would be uninteresting and I plan to do as much as I can with the time that I've got. In some ways I'm like Jo from Little Women. To hell with it all. I'm doing it my way and no one can stop me.

"The sound of our voices made us forget everything that had ever hurt our feelings."

If it weren't for music, I swear to god I'd be locked up in a padded room right now. I'd be insane.

Happy #37:)

I've Got A Fire Within Me.

Reasons To Be Happy #36

1. Blogging

2. Stuffed animals

3. Jumping on the bed

4. Soft kittens

5. Humming

6. Throw pillows

7. Snickerdoodles

8. Rolling chairs

9. Mashed potatoes

10. Friendship

I've probably written that I'm happy for friendship in my blog like 10,000 times over, but it never gets old:) I have so many amazing people in my life. Everyday I learn new ways to be a better friend to those around me from the ones in my life who lead by example. I haven't blogged in a couple days! What I've been doing: well. I've been furiously turning in applications to many retail stores, and have landed two interviews. Today I had one Forever21 and on Wednesday I have one at Aldo. Honestly I have no idea how my F21 interview went-for all I know I could've completely blown it. I've never been interviewed before so who really knows how I did. The last couple nights I've been at Danny's practicing Little Women, having dinner, sitting on facebook, trying to watch a movie, talking about EVERYTHING, making prop lists, watching videos of us perform, watching the Steelers game, sleeping, eating sushi, drinking coffee...Danny and I actually did a lot I guess. Danny told me this story about how he killed his guinea pig when he was little and it was so funny I think I started crying. He also told me that when he was in high school he sang Santa Baby and choreographed his back-up dancers and was "straight." :) I think I want to get my nails done tomorrow! We'll see. I painted one fingernail blue and I don't remember doing it...Anyhow! Little Women is going so well. In the last three days we put up Act 1 and I'm working on being off book by tomorrow-but I just started memorizing right now so we'll see. Granted I did that everyday right before I went onstage for Into the Woods rehearsal. Seldom did I ever actually sit down and run scenes. My character is such a shit-but I love being the troll in the Operatic Tragedy. Surprisingly I've been asked on a lot of dates as of late! But honestly, I can't right now. I don't want anything like that in my life. It's too much to deal with. Even though the offers are very flattering and I really do enjoy them:) I use my friends as excuses. I know Danny probably thinks I'm silly but I really am glad that he's here. We get along really well and he makes me less sad about Eddie being gone. Although no one could ever replace Eddie:) But having a new good friend, who is always here-I just really appreciate him. What else what else! I bought a picture frame and a pomegranate. I hope someone hires me. These interviews make me so nervous. Oh I suppose that's it for now:) I stayed up till 7:30 AM yesterday. I must be off to bed-I'm exhausted.

No definition or piece of mind tonight. I'm much too tired.

Mother Monster wisdom:

"I am beautiful in my own way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way."

Fierce.

As Artists We Are Eternally Heartbroken

Reasons To Be Happy #35

1. Milkshakes

2. Inspiration

3. Flowers

4. Liza Minnelli

5. Drag Queens

6. Best friends

7. Smiling at strangers

8. Bumperstickers

9. Meaningful tattoos

10. Color

11. Hugh Jackman

This blog post is two days in one because I was too tired last night to write at all:) Yesterday I applied for more jobs and went and visited Kevin at work. He works at a little coffee stand called Dutch Brothers and he gave me free coffee-which was delicious! It had 4 shots of coffee in it though and I totally thought I was going to die. My heart was completely beating out my chest. I was so antsy! I kept singing about the traffic-it was as if merging was the most exciting thing I could ever do. Anyways then Kevin asked if I wanted to hangout that night and I said yes but then quickly rescheduled and decided that instead I was going to go visit Danny-whether he liked it or not. So I went and bought the largest pumpkin pie milkshake at Eagans and drove to his apartment. Once there I called him and said "Where are you?" (he was obviously there because his car was in his parking spot) to which he said "My apartment" and I said "OH MY GOD NO WAY! That's where I am too!" Then he said "stupid!" and opened the door happily to find me all wigged out on caffeine holding a giant milkshake. I gave him the delicious milkshake and then we played Mario Party. My caffeine high had a giant crash right about the middle of our game and all I wanted to do was nap. We put the computer characters on easy and lost \-so that was really sad. But then I used his ab peanut and we watched videos of Little Women and he choreographed while I facebooked. I had some nutella toast also! AND made a really good christmas mix...I know I know jumping the gun. But I found this bomb turkey song that I'm definitely going to sing for the world via my facebook page. Can't wait. Like at all. I might do it right now. Anyhow, after all of this I went home and to bed. THEN today I woke up and went to get my paycheck. I visited with Stephanie, Steven, and Cathie for awhile and that was quite lovely:) Then I met Kevin downtown and he brought me more delicious coffee (only 2 shots this time)! We walked around the lake for awhile and then went and visited Steven. Making new friends is my favorite thing. I want to make friends everywhere I go:) Then Kevin took me to get my palm read which was AMAZING and I will write more about it later. Then I went to Radiance and bought some tea in bulk and he took my debit card and wouldn't let me pay for any of it! It was very sweet:) After all of that I went to F21 and bought 2 dresses (hopefully to wear to interviews). Then to rehearsal where we did a "play through" which is basically a read-through on your feet. It was kind of intimidating, having to make so many choices on the fly. But the cast is super talented and I enjoy everyone. Carolyn and I sat crying and holding hands during Beth's death and it wasn't even staged yet. The show will be quite touching. After rehearsal everyone went out to get a beer-so obviously I could not go:) I went to Andra's instead and we walked to Safeway where this creepy man with a broom followed us around the store and pretended to need to sweep around us in every isle we went into. It was awkward-he was rapey. Then we ran into Garrett Holbrook who was driving back from having breakup sex with his...girl I guess. He told us about how much he loved Hollywood and it was amazing and blahblahblah. I'm happy for him I really am-but the Hollywood party scene does not impress me at all. I think that there are WAY more talented, real, people living in New York and I would much rather live there. There's too much bullshit in Hollywood. I could never thrive in such a fake environment. He had flown back for elk season...at least he's aware that he's a redneck I guess. Then I went to Andra's and ate and talked and drove home and now I'm here and I NEED to get some sleep:)

Definition- Balsamic Vinegar- The best kind of vinegar, always perfect with olive oil and french bread.

Piece of mind- Having my palm read was the most inspiring thing that's happened to me in a long time. The woman was wary of me (I could tell) when I walked in and said I wanted my palm read. And it really was sweet of Kevin to take me there because the first time we met I commented briefly about how I'd always wanted to have it done-and he remembered:) Anyhow the woman looked at my hand and I'm going to try and list everything she said, now keep in mind that I said NOTHING during all of this because I wanted to know how real it was and was not about to give away any information about myself.

The first thing she said was that I was a singer and a dancer. She said that I pay attention to detail and that it's important to me so I'm good at performing and that I would be a very good accountant but that I would never choose that because I would hate it. She said I would have 3 careers throughout my life-which would be very long. She said that I've been very healthy throughout my life except when I was younger where I was sick a lot. She said that I would always be mature for my age and that I had a lot of common sense. She said that I preferred to be in a relationship with someone but that I was very very picky about who I am in relationships with. She said that I'm kind and too the point. I'm blunt and I don't usually like wishywashy people. She said that I wanted to travel and see everything and that my parents wouldn't like it and there would be a lot of struggle there. Money is important to me. I am very balanced and level-headed. She said my biggest fault is that I can be too much of a people pleaser at times because I want to keep the peace. She told me that people are going to tell me that I need to settle down and have a house and a home and that I shouldn't do it until I'm actually ready. She said that I will lead such an interesting life. At one point she looked up at me and just smiled and said "My dear you are such a free spirit. I'm so glad that I had the privilege of meeting you."

I was just speechless! Here I am thinking that this will be fun but probably a crock of shit...and she looks at my hand and says "You sing."

Everything she said was true. And not like when I find a way to fit my horoscope to my life. She was dead on. I did have problems with my health when I was little-I almost died several times in the hospital. I am SO picky about guys-infact I had just said that Danny the night before. I do prefer to be in a relationship. I can't be in one now because I'm so picky-but I hardly know my life without one. I pay attention to detail-and being an accountant would drive me fucking nuts. I'm blunt. I hangout with people a lot older than me and that could be because I'm mature or because they aren't but...I'll just hope that I'm mature. My parents won't help me pay for college if it's out of state and they don't want me to do theatre. They say that it's a waste of money and time and that I will fail. They don't want me to travel-at all. Danny also said to me the night before-stop trying to make other people happy, what about Bailey? Which I think that I think too much about myself-so hearing this from 2 different people in one week is a little strange.

The very last thing she said to me was this:

"Remember God wants you to have freewill."

It's so strange because the truth is-until she said that-I had completely forgotten.

What a splendid day.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

That's from Mother Monster:)

Let's change the world. One sequin at a time.

The Last Midnight

Pictures I never posted:

All I've Got Tonight Is Static On A Screen

Reasons To Be Happy #34

1. Singing

2. A toasty car

3. Secret pear deodorant

4. Frogs

5. Blankets

6. Holiday Starbucks cups

7. Clear skin

8. Yoga balls

9. Thick tights

10. Footie pajamas

11. Good conversation

12. Hamsters

Oh today was really just lovely! I woke up and went downstairs to clean a bit-and then was off to my voice lesson. I'll admit I was a bit annoyed to discover that someone had moved my giant music archive and that that someone (my mother) is virtually impossible to get ahold of. The high school doesn't actually keep track of their EAs. I hate them. First I'm like "I'd like to speak to Shelly Boyd." and they say "Well...she's probably in a class right now can you just leave a voicemail somewhere." A. NO. I can't because she doesn't have her own extension you nitwit and B. Of COURSE she's in a fucking class. She works at a school. C. If i'm calling the school instead of her cellphone where I could easily leave a message that she might listen to...OBVIOUSLY I need to talk to her. Anyhow I had to go to my voice lesson without music. But it went SO SO SO well. Troy and I talked for a long time about life and how I was doing and it was just wonderful to catch up. I mean we work with each other everyday but we hardly ever talk about anything other than time signatures and acting choices. After the talk I began working on my new vocal eases. Ever since I got my tonsils out I've been making discoveries daily about my vocal chops. We wanted to see what my belt was like now so he gave me the song "Come To Your Senses" from Tick Tick Boom. We'll find out next week I guess! After that i went to rehearsal and it went well:) The cast is so small and of course I'm the youngest but I like the atmosphere. It's a lot different than Into the Woods...but I'm a little less stressed, for the moment at least. I have a lot of lines that I should probably start memorizing. We went over my duet with Stephen and I think that it went well:) That was about it for Little Women though. After rehearsal I went to Andra's house and we sat on her bed and made videos and ate pumpkin bread. I think she really wants me to date-but I don't want to...ever again, actually. I'm too young anyhow. I drove home and snuggled with my little kitty and now I'm here typing and on facebook!

Definition: Soul patch- YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG. Shave it off.

Piece of mind: Today Troy said to me "You know a 50 year old can date a 30 year old and it wouldn't be as large as an age difference as 18 and 20. That's the time when you find yourself. There's a lot of growing up to do in that stage of life."

He always knows exactly what to say doesn't he?

Truly inspiring.

"I apply my personality in a paste."

I want to be more like Clementine.

And Like A Holy Relic Or A Mystery Novel

Reasons To Be Happy #33

1. New Beginnings

2. Carolyn

3. Toddy with hazelnut cream

4. That satisfied feeling after you clean

5. Kind strangers

6. Watching marshmallows explode in the microwave

7. Harmony

8. Swingsets

9. Bunnies

10. 500 Days of Summer

I must blog quickly because I have a voice lesson tomorrow at 2 and I need rest (especially because that's what time I woke up today/yesterday.) I was quite satisfied with my day today! I woke up...late but then set right into cleaning. I cleaned the whole kitchen! I did 3 loads of dishes (Josh had friends over) and a load of laundry. Then I started to organize my closet and shoe collection! Job well done:) I even swept! After that I went to Danny and Matt's and we planned to get Jamba...but let's face it we are all poor, so instead I sat on their floor and we talked while I put some makeup on. I know that he's only gone for two months but I'm seriously going to miss Matt. I make another friend and he's off to do a christmas review in Wisconsin, story of my life:) He's leaving his gamecube though so Danny and I are going to seriously play Mario Party everyday. I followed Matt to rehearsal so he could say goodbye to everyone-then I'm pretty sure Danny and him went to buy coolant at Walmart...uncool. But I guess Walmart is cheap, so it's okay guys...I forgive you. Rehearsal went well! The cast is super small and they upped my pay which made me so giddy:) I sat by Carolyn and Christie and Alisa is so sweet. I think we are all going to have a good sister bond for sure:) I'm closest with Carolyn which is perfect because Meg and Amy are supposed to be close-so I'm optimistic! The director's name is Adam and he's from out of town. He seems very energetic and lovely! I'm excited to work with someone new:) He asked me what I played in Into The Woods and when I said "Cinderella" he smiled and said "Oh of course." Which made me feel wonderful:) Although rehearsal was fantastic, I was absolutely retarded at my harmonies today. I'm singing in the middle for most of the chords and my brain was just not in gear. I was literally playing my note on the piano and singing Carolyn's. Out of control. At least we were laughing at it though. After rehearsal I scheduled a voice lesson and then headed to taco bell to meet Derrick. He told me to meet him by the lacy cinema and I thought okay no problem. Only I got super lost in Lacey and just kept thinking "Oh I'll just drive around some more and I'll find it eventually. I was actually laughing at myself really hard because I was literally just cruising around Lacey with no idea where I was. Finally I pulled off and answered my phone to find that Andra's sister ran away and had climbed a tree. The cops were trying to coax her down. Yikes. Then Derrick called and I gave him some basic landmarks so he could come find me in the heart of Lacey. After that we went out for the classiest meal of tacobell and then went on a walk to this cute little park. It was about 1 AM so it was super dark but I still climbed on top of the monkey bars in my heels. Then we headed back, talked, had some tea, and watched 500 Days of Summer. Such a splendid film. Now I'm back home:) Ready to call it a night.

Definition- Retainers- great to wear at night in order to keep your teeth in line, unless you haven't worn them in a long while. In which case they are the most painful things to ever happen to your poor little teeth.

Piece of Mind- I want to get a job. And after I get a job I will start paying my bills. After that I will get an apartment. And After that-I will go to college where I'd like to. And after that I will audition everywhere. And after that...

I will see the world.

All of it.

"The secret to happiness is freedom. The secret to freedom is courage."

Goodnight blog!

I Am The Clown With The Tearaway Face

Reasons To Be Happy #32

1. Halloween

2. Pumpkin pie milkshakes

3. Driving

4. Hot showers

5. Half-priced candy

6. Creative costumes

7. Invitations

8. Limousines

9. Pumpkin guts

10. Foreign films

11. Fluffy pillows

12. A little pitcher for cream

13. Facial scruff

I didn't blog yesterday! I was exhausted from the show and strike-so I went to sleep instead. But now I'm back (because I have such a fan base you know...)I figured that since I'm the only person that reads my blog it would be okay to skip a night:) Let's start with an overview of yesterday. I woke up and got ready to go meet Dennis for coffee-which was quite lovely! Until the most horrific thing happened. Now I'm sorry if this is graphic for anyone-but I got my period in the middle of our coffee date and was way too embarrassed to tell him, so I left super abruptly and probably seemed really rude. I was like I have to go...to which he said "ohh now?" and I said "uhm yes." and then left. Only of course I made it even more awkward...because that's just how I do things I guess. After that I called Andra to tell her about it-only to find that she was stranded in Bellingham on the side of the freeway because her car's engine had stopped working and the car was leaking antifreeze. After hearing that my story seemed a whole lot less traumatic. She said she had a place to stay for the night and I offered to go get her the next day, so we planned that all very quickly. Then I hung up and went to get more coffee (I think I might have a problem) and then off for closing night! The show went so well. I'm very proud of what I've accomplished. Right before it started Matt and I had an impromptu photoshoot because we discovered that we were both wearing grey t-shirts and black pants. I'm definitely going to miss his face the next month. I was hardly ready in time for the show. I was actually putting on my headscarf right as I heard the stage manger call places...cutting it really really close. I took some hilarious awkward pregnancy pictures of Danny and Carolyn during intermission and Matt and I took some cute little shots of him putting the slipper on my foot. We had a Woods photo op:) I enjoyed every second of my last show...and so did my grandpa! I was moved to tears that he decided to come. This role was such a big step for me and I was just so glad to share it with him! I really wish that more people could've come-but I understand that it's expensive. After the curtain call a woman came out and proposed to her girlfriend-it was so sweet. They were both crying-yet so giddy. I know it sounds silly, and really, I mean this in the least pessimistic way possible, but I just don't think anyone is ever going to love me like that. I'm too weird and out of control and I just don't think it's possible:) But really it's okay, I have enough love in my life to last forever and as long as I keep loving other people I know things will be alright. Anyhow! Danny and I were put on costumes for strike, so we pleasantly went to work sorting shoes. Danny accidentally broke one of the boxes and it might as well have been the funniest thing that's ever happened because I laughed for about 5 years. I think I was seriously tired. After all of that I ran through the rain (in my GaGa heels-of course I wore those to strike) to my Ginny. We drove home and I had some tea, pet the cat, was bothered profusely by my brother's weird show-off friend, talked to Danny and then went to bed. Now for today! Today was Halloween! There was not enough time in the day to do all of the festive things I wanted to. First I called Andra to see if I still needed to go get her in Bellingham but she said that the towtruck was taking her back, so that was easily settled. Then I got a call from Samara saying that she wanted to come hangout with me and that she needed to shower. So Samara came to my house, bathed and then we listened to some Kesha for awhile. The new Kesha single is no different than any other hit single she's ever released. It's about partying, she's drunk, there's an acapella part, and there's a badass beat. It's really catchy. Then we parted ways. I went to return the Belle costume but no one was in. Then I decided that I wanted a pumpkin pie milkshake, so I stopped by Eagan's and got one then I drove by all of the beautiful autumn leaves-through pretty neighborhoods and I wished more than anything that I was better at sketching, so I could document it all with pencil and paper. I bolded that because I just now realized that it's a repeated line that Cinderella says in Into The Woods. I think I'll go back tomorrow and take pictures of the quaint houses and tall trees. Fall is so stunning. The whole time I was driving I was listening to The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack and singing a long of course! After my drive I went home and made a list of creative costumes that I will concoct for next year- I wasn't my exciting self this Halloween. I was a bit of an introvert. But I hardly used to spend time alone, so I think it's important I learn how to live that way, plus I really don't mind it. Even when I used to see people everyday some of my favorite times are when we would read to each other or listen to each other's heartbeats or look at the sky. I guess deep down I'm not as much of a party queen as I may be perceived as:) Derrick invited me to a party at his house but I stayed in and watched Pan's Labyrinth instead. I skyped Eddie for about an hour..mostly about Harry Potter and how epic it is. I went and picked up Andra at her house after she got home and we drove back here to gut my pumpkin-which was surprisingly difficult. The seeds were delicious though. I ate so many-covered in oil and seasoning salt. Mmmmm. Now I'm about to wake Andra up and take her home. Pan's Labyrinth is so beautiful. Isaiah used to joke that I had only seen "30 minutes" of the movie because I shield my eyes from the gore. I tried to watch those parts tonight and it still was really hard for me..however I can always watch Mercedes slice that assholes face. Gratifying. So I don't really know what the deal is...anyways:) I have to go! I hope I get home in one piece. Happy Halloween!

"It's a secret garden."

"Secrets are safe with me."

So incredibly grateful today!

We Were Not The People That We Turned Out To Be

Reasons To Be Happy #31

1. Scooby Doo

2. Spaghetti

3. Mary Poppins

4. Flat pumpkins

5. Interesting names

6. Little Monsters

7. Whistling

8. Braided belts

9. Familiar faces

10. Merry Happy- by Kate Nash

Right now I'm facebook chatting Karl and having a bowl of spaghetti. I also just downed like 4 cups of vanilla maple tea. Mmmm fall. Today was not very eventful actually. I woke up at 1...the usual, and then set off to get coffee and drop off a halloween costume-sadly no one was home...So I talked to Carolyn on the phone for like an hour and then headed to the mini-pumkin patch by my house! I picked out a beautiful Cinderella pumpkin in my 6 inch heels. I got A LOT of funny looks:) Trekking through mud in my spice world shoes! Wonderful:) I also drove by the house I grew up in today-just to see what it looked like now. It was always so beautiful there in the fall-I just had to see my tree stump of my beloved maple. I gazed at the fence I helped my father build, my old treefort, the orchard. Life is funny isn't it? After that I headed to drop off the costume. That was an interesting event. It was a little Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind for me. I thought if I could go back and change this memory...or if I could just keep this one...just the way it is...and then there was a moment where I thought I'm okay-the memories don't affect me at all. I kind of wished I would just stop remembering though. My mind was a total clusterfuck of thoughts. It went well anyhow, the conversation I mean-So I guess part of my brain was still engaged. After that I went to the show. My car is such a mess. There's no garbage...but CLOTHES everywhere. Well at the show, I did fairly well! The was a large selection of food backstage per usual-haystacks, veggie platter, cookies, candy, watermelon, banana bread. Delicious. During the Act 1 finale I tripped so hardcore on the blood glitter though. I would have face-planted had Matt not caught me. Of course this caused me to do the rest of the number laughing out of my mind. Tomorrow is closing night and my goal is to learn the words for the Act 1 finale-for I still don't know them. "If you want your wish you can blahblah wish...wish...wish?" Is pretty much what comes out of my mouth every night. During rehearsal Matt and I used to list of different kinds of food "Chimichanga wish, jolly rancher wish.." Doesn't really work during an actual performance I've found. Anyhow! Heidi Fredricks, my beloved acting coach and friend was there tonight and I was so nervous! Which is just silly, because she will love whatever we do-but I just adore her! I found her in the audience immediately-along with Harrison, who decided to sit front row. Carolyn was hardly pleased:) I got really really emotional during No One Is Alone tonight. After the show, I walked with Matt to the car-usual, and then rode home-singing Mariella. My brother had two friends in the driveway...new ones that I don't know well. It's odd how my brother's friends work: there's the ones that are like my other brothers: Ben and Coop and Fig and Ezra and Clayton...pretty much, give or take. And then there are the shy ones that I don't remember their names-who are sweet but awkward. And then...then there are the show off annoying ones who don't understand our age difference...Please dear god don't hit on me. It makes me want to roll into a ball and die that the only person who hits on me is a 13 year old, and I'm sure that my brother also finds it weird...No it is not fate that we both like hummus....gross. I had a wonderful chat with Daphne just now! I asked her what she was doing and she literally said "oh not a lot. I'm headed to Paris..." WHAT. I wish that was my life-"Oh not much, going to the Eiffel Tower-maybe Versailles if I get bored...you know." I actually just sighed:) She said she will think of me there. I can't wait to go back! Oh my, well I must retire. Tomorrow I'm going to surprise Danny with a pumpkin pie milkshake after his classes...if I ever wake up:) I shall try!

Definition: Vegetables- Disgusting.

Piece of Mind: Today during No One Is Alone I looked up to find Heidi sitting in the second row-right where I usually sing to. I starting singing to her and then I started to cry. I remembered my first lead-Timoune in Once On This Island. I was so scared. I had zero confidence-Heidi was the acting coach, and my hero. There was this one day I remember where we were sitting in the studio, going over my lines, just me and her, analyzing scene by scene. We got to the part where Daniel leaves Timoune. He says "I thought you understood that we could never be together." and then she falls apart. She cries, she hears voices. And as I was losing my mind, pouring out my soul for the first time ever-Heidi started crying. I remember looking at her and asking if I had done something wrong and she just smiled through her tears and said "No. You just get it." I lost it tonight during that song. I could see her crying in the audience, and I started too and I just couldn't stop.

"I shouldn’t want the song to end. I always think of each night as a song. Or each moment as a song. But now I’m seeing we don’t live in a single song. We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. There is no ending here."

Tomorrow this song ends. I wonder what the next one has in store for me.

Goodnight lovely.